She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
