Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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