I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
