Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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