Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
