I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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