we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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