I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
