There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
