She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
