so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
