I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
