I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
