these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
