she woke up with a sticky ear
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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