who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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