I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
