So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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