hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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