Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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