I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
