The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
