remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
