Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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