I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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