drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
