Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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