i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
