New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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