I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
