phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
