when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize