I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My sheets look like a crime scene.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
