Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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