I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
