My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
