did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
