my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize