What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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