Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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