last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
