Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
