i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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