I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
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