We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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