Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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