My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So vagazzling was a success
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
