Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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