elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
