Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
