i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
