I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This baby is an asshole
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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