Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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