you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
