Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
