She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize