So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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