I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
