Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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