Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
