girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
