listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
