my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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